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Damned if I do.. Damned if I don't.

I feel so disheartened by the way you continue to speak to me.

When you make that face or talk to me like you have been I feel that you don't like me, feel like I am stupid, like I am a constant disappointment to you.

I have this internal voice telling me my struggles: drinking, spelling, consistency, not comprehending, trying hard to pay attention....the list goes on and on..... it's like there is a pie chart and all it seems I focus on are the things I'm not doing right. It is a really sucky feeling that makes me want to distance myself. And even nervous to face it because it feels bigger than me, or maybe I have a false sense of control. This is what I think- I think that for you, you put up with a lot from me, so if I say anything, no matter how big or how small , you immediately come back with this attitude like "who do you think you are, I put up with so much shit and you are gonna say (whatever) to me"????

Please let me know what I can do to help us communicate better. I know you want me to be the best I can be. Please know I'm trying and want to be the best too, for myself and for our family. I love you very much and want to feel connected, to laugh, to play, to be US!

-Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

I hate feeling like my mom! I hate my flaws that tell me I'm not good enough, I have to try harder , I weak to these voices that tell me I'm not worth it. These voices break my heart and keep me trapped inside with my demons. I feel so frail right now. I could cry a river and if I looked on the outside what I feel on the inside I'd be black and blue. How can I gain power? How can I be the woman I want my daughter to look up to? The person I want my children to see? What the fuck is wrong with me??? I'm have so many great things around me and I feel so sad?

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