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and I'll disappear...

Updated: Apr 20, 2020

I don’t see my true sense of self looking back at me when I look into your eyes.

I see the most negative view along with all my insecurities and shame, all my doubts and fears.

Trying to get you to see me differently has been and is... insanity.

You have your mind made up about me.

You have attached me to all your demons.

And now I’m the demon.

It’s you versus them.

Always has been.

Sometimes you see me as an ally...

It is in these moments, however lasting or brief...

That I see respect in your eyes for me...

This is where and when our true connection happens.

Then, those times disappear and here I am, again.

I’m a “them” and YOU are versus.

It is sad for you and for me.

It chips away at my confidence as a mother, as a lover, as a partner.

I am done... explaining myself, defending myself, advocating for myself... to you.

I’m we versus them.

You aren’t my enemy.

And somehow in these moments of rage and anger that we both have,

I see you on enemy lines...

Aiming for my weakest spots, the ones that hurt the most...

because you are hurting, wounded...

I’m bleeding out.

Now I know how I can save myself.

I’ve armored up.

Sadly and unacceptably I’ve become prepared for these shots... bullets.

If you don’t see or can’t see your part in this and the cycle in our relationship, I will be very sad for you.

Even in my own thoughts I protect you,

I think about all you’ve been through and lived and how it contributes to your actions and orientation to this beautiful life...

AND I’m not your therapist, don’t want to be, I am your lover, I am NOT your mother... or any other.

I am your woman... your person... your queen... the mother of a dragon, and a monkey...

someone that does and will do things, not always “your” way, not always “the” way...

someone whom will challenge you beyond what even you think you are capable of.

That’s what you do for me... in ally times.

Look at yourself or you won’t EVER be able to truly see me...

and I’ll disappear.

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